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What’s In It For Me?

  • Posted on February 17, 2010 at 7:13 pm

In response to my post, “I Did It My Way“, J asked,

Why is everything about what the man wants? Everything you wrote is about what it does for him.

I can see where it might appear that way, J, but that isn’t the case. I very much enjoy controlling his reactions, most especially his physical and emotional responses to sexual stimuli. I can’t really explain “why” I enjoy it – I just do. Watching his body react, hearing his sharp intake of breath, knowing how much he desires me – all yumminess in my book.

Over time, a Lady can learn what a man’s buttons are and how to push them. I choose what happens, when, and where. If there are things that interest him that don’t interest me, I can choose something else. He has plenty of buttons ;) If there are things I want, I ask for them. Well I ask if he hasn’t already anticipated :)

While I admit I enjoy having my way in general, the sensual aspect of dominance is what most appeals. Even though I’m just an average woman, I feel sexy since I discovered how much I enjoy being in control. Not pressured for sex – sexy. I also feel fairly confident and content within myself as a whole. I’ve found my place, my style for doing things and it feels really good.

I Do It My Way

  • Posted on February 11, 2010 at 6:01 pm

When I want to do something sexy for or with my fella, while I keep his desires in mind, I do things my way. Aside from the obvious – I’m the Domme – it makes me more comfortable to know I’m doing it in a way that works for me. There have been times when I was a little (or even more than a little) nervous because I was not entirely sure how he would react or how I would react. Doing it my way helps me relax and feel.. well.. in control.

Yesterday, on my main blog, I posted a description of an erotic tease and denial encounter. I thought it might be helpful to explain why I chose to do certain things.

Men if your partners read here, go away now as the rest of this post is not for you.

I mean it. Be a good boy and obey ;)

Excellent.

The scene is simple, a tease and denial in which my fella cannot look at me while I touch. For many, denial is a real hot button. Tell them they can’t do something and wow, they really want to even more than they did before. In a scene like this, a lady who is a bit self conscious about what she’s doing or how she looks can relax. He can’t see. His lovely vivid imagination is filling in all the blanks. She can just sit back, relax, and enjoy.

“Kneel for me, Sexy Man… right here, facing the door.”

The tie is to remind you not to touch yourself. Of course you could anyway, but you won’t, because my control is stronger than any bond. Your fingers won’t wander because I don’t want them to.” As you feel the belt from my soft, silky robe in your mouth, I add, “Just a little reminder that you are not allowed to speak either.”

Kneeling while symbolically bound and gagged speaks of control to him, while still feeling soft and sensual to me. There’s nothing being used that is scary looking or that could hurt him. The belt/gag is attached with just one loop of the cloth, no knots. The tie/bondage implement is held snug by his own hands. No circulation worries or anything. I love using things like this because, while toys are fun, I don’t want him to ever think for a moment that the toy controls him. *I* control him.

Speaking of which, he loves hearing things like that – “I control you,” or “Unless I order you to,” as they are strong reinforcers of who is in charge.

The lips on the back of his neck, the sucking and kiss on his ear – sensual, romantic, erotic – things that remind him that “vanilla” sex is yummy, I’m sexy, he’s sexy, and he shouldn’t ever forget any of that should I desire to take the kinky down a notch or two – or eliminate it completely. Making love to me is a super hot privilege no matter how I choose for it to happen ;)

“You really love my breasts, don’t you? Touching them, kissing them.. your warm mouth closing around each nipple, sucking.. your tongue licking..”

My attitude is one that says of course he desires me, of course he craves to touch me. My tone and words – teasing, taunting. I can touch what he so desperately needs to touch. Ladies, I assure you, by this point, he wants you in a bad, bad way ;)

“Watching as your cock stiffens and begs – yes, begs to be taken.”

Just letting him know I am well aware of what his body is doing. After all, it’s mine and I’m controlling it. I’m so certain that I’m in control and he is responding just as I wish that I don’t even have to look. I know.

Also, “begging” is a word and action that pushes *my* hot buttons. I love to know he wants something that badly. Whew. If I don’t finish this, *I* am going to need a cold shower ;)

“Feeling oh so controlled and deliciously frustrated, aren’t you, my Darling?” As you nod, I continue. “You want so much to slip in the bed beside me, to touch my body, and to feel me take you just as I described. Isn’t that right?”

Smiles. You know what’s happening here. Teasing, luring, getting his hopes up…

“Stand. Yes, that’s my good boy. Don’t turn. Continue facing the door, remove the tie from your wrists, and then the gag. Now strip for me.”

Another hot button for me (and him). When he strips, he’s experiencing a number of things – desired, a little vulnerable, sexy. I like him feeling all those things (well, vulnerable only in this context. I don’t want him feeling vulnerable as a rule.)

“Reach out and switch off the light. Good boy.” Pausing for a moment, I add, “Now.. head downstairs my sexy Darling. You’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. Don’t forget to close the door on your way out and remember, no touching.”

And there it is – the initial disappointment followed by the oh so delicious feeling of being denied and controlled.

I like this scene for a number of reasons. As I mentioned in the beginning, it’s low pressure. It’s sensual, it’s loving, and it demonstrates that control does not require implements or any forced actions. It’s all about him surrendering control and me accepting it.

If explanations like this are helpful, let me know. I certainly do not wish to expound upon the obvious nor am I attempting to insult anyone’s intelligence. I simply thought it might be of some use to those new to dominance and submission when planning things to do with your fellas.

To the fellas who were permitted to read here, I’d like to ask that you add any thoughts you have about the scene I described on my main blog or the comments I made here.

~ Lady Julia

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

  • Posted on February 4, 2010 at 1:46 pm

We’ve all heard others express dissatisfaction with their relationship because their wants and needs are not being met.  Perhaps we’ve even found ourselves in a similar spot.  While there are many possible reasons for this discontent, I’m convinced that three of the main causes are identifiable and rectifiable:  not knowing precisely what we want, not knowing precisely what our partner wants, and not communicating these wants and needs.

It sounds odd to say that sometimes we don’t know precisely what we want, but try this.  Make a list of specific things you desire or need.  Instead of saying, “I wish he was more romantic”, identify several romantic activities or gestures you would enjoy.  After the first few, it begins to be a little more difficult to be creative especially when unalterable circumstances must be considered.   Long distance relationships, meager finances, little spare time, the presence of children – all these situations can be somewhat limiting unless we actively work to be creative.

It’s a little bit easier for some submissive men to list the things they desire as many of them have been thinking and fantasizing forever ;)  Still, it may be difficult for them to list activities or gestures that may fall within our comfort zone.   Someone new to the concept of dominance may find it helpful to encourage him to begin with things he considers “mild”.

It’s important to me that each list contain sexual and romantic/vanilla activities.  I’m a Domme, yes, but I still like some of the every day activities that many consider vanilla.  In addition, because part of the Domme/submissive dynamic for me is encouraging his desire to please me, I want him to (eventually) consider those activities pleasurable as well.  I’m sure the same is true for him – some of his “wants” may not initially arouse me, but I know he wants them to.  I’ve noticed focusing on his reaction has many times changed my response to the act itself.

Once our lists have been created, it’s important to keep adding to them.  As we relax and explore, we may see we are more willing and eager to try things previously considered “uninteresting” or “too far out”.

Discussing the lists with one another would seem crucial as it should help make sure we understand not only what each desires, but why.  I’ve found knowing the “why” behind his wants and needs extremely helpful in choosing my course of action on many occasions :)  Reviewing the lists together also provides an opportunity to brainstorm.

He’s committed to serving and pleasing me, I’ve committed to taking control.  My list will help me know what to ask for.  His list will provide me with options when I choose what I wish to do with and to him.  I think it’s also helpful to maintain a list of things we each want to do to and for the other.

The lists are just tools, of course.  As Dommes we can still choose what we want to do, when we want to do it.  I just want to make sure I consider both our needs :)

~ ~

How about sharing some of the things that might appear on either of your lists?   By doing so, you might help spark ideas for others to try.  If you prefer to leave your suggestions anonymously, you may do so here and I will publish them from time to time.

From the Past

  • Posted on January 26, 2010 at 2:59 pm

There are a few things on my personal website and blog(s) that I have, in the past, labeled as “Simple Dominance”. They’re nothing earthshatteringly novel. In fact these may all be things that have passed through your mind at one point. I share them in case you, like me, sometimes need something to stir your imagination.

These last three are some general remarks about simple dominance and the average woman.

You’re probably already more in control than you realize.

Most women have long controlled their men in very subtle ways. I think quite often we don’t even realize we’re doing it because at least to some degree, it’s instinctive. If we become more aware of what’s transpiring and at the right moment point out to him what has happened, we can really push our submissive fella’s buttons.

Dominance and the Soft Cloak of Femininity

You don’t have to be a bitch to be in control.

If I Were a Vanilla Woman

Things I would like to say to my partner if he approached me about dominating him.

A Submissive Man’s Point of View: Demonstrating or Reinforcing Control

  • Posted on January 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

John writes:

Many of the things that Ladies could do to demonstrate or reinforce their control derive from rituals – both actions and indicators of position. Actions might include having the man assume a particular posture such as having his head bowed or simply his eyes cast down. Bowing at the head or waist, curtseying, kneeling either upon the Lady’s entry into a room, or at the time of rendering a service, or at specific instruction from the Lady would certainly both demonstrate the Lady’s superior position and reinforce the man’s submissive position.

Kneeling is a simple yet strong posture that you have employed in the experiences. The use of the position at the start of or the end of a day’s activities does allow for reflection, and I have found that it has helped to move me to what is sometimes referred to as sub space, a place where I am particularly attuned to the needs and desires of the Dominant.

Relative postures can be reinforced with verbal cues, which can be in a vast range and can take many forms, such as positive reinforcement (compliments for good service and the occasional, “you are doing so well”), straight direction, or negative reinforcement such as scolding or words intended to cause the submissive to feel embarrassment. I find quiet reinforcement combined with the occasional verbal reminder of relative position most effective.

From the man, simple rules of how to appropriately address the Lady serve as direct methods of control and a reminder of position. Specifying and insisting upon the method of address (“Lady Julia” for example). Requiring verbal acknowledgment of any direction and prohibiting any disagreement or argument would be means of reinforcing control.

Attire can play a part, obviously. When naked, particularly if the Lady is clothed, one is naturally submissive. Adding a particular uniform, particularly one that the Lady finds attractive and interesting is also an effective method of establishing relative roles. Having the man wear a garment or piece of jewelry not ordinarily worn is a simple method of reinforcement.

There are certainly other techniques for the demonstration or reinforcement of an exchange of power. Among two in a real life relationship, communication about particular methods is extremely important, and it would certainly seem that introducing or experimenting with different methods might prove both enjoyable and productive. Avoiding a laundry list of requirements that becomes over burdensome on the Lady, and therefore counterproductive, is critical.